Acceptance

A tremendously important thing happened to me two days ago, and I've been living this new feeling very fully since then.  At our second couples session that afternoon Sheila declared that, after sitting with her decision of the week before, she felt even more clear about wanting to move apart.  When I asserted my acceptance of this, but confessed that I enter into a separation with the belief that it was a necessary step in our path to reconciliation, Sheila very gently, but pointedly, said she thought it would be a mistake for me to view it that way.  For her, there was no question but that this is part of our path towards divorce.  At that moment, or shortly thereafter, I found myself accepting that reality, and actually able to get on board with the decision to separate as a path to divorce, to let go of the dangling hope that we might reconcile.  I realize now that that meant I decided to put my trust in Sheila, to trust that the feelings she had about me and our marriage were honest, sincere, and true.  I gave up the fight as guardian of our marriage, the struggle to convince her, or even myself, that she was wrong and that we could reconcile things if we tried.  It's not that I don't believe things couldn't have worked, it's that they could only have worked if she was on board, and I saw then that she wasn't going to come on board.

 

That decision, that insight, has since delivered to me an immense relief.  For two and a half years I have been holding onto our marriage, struggling to understand it and fight for it.  And with this decision I can now let go.  And with that weight lifted, I have felt a visceral euphoria, as it must feel for someone who suddenly finds religion.  I have been very open to talking about the whole thing with friends and family, and I have surprised myself and everyone around me with the candor and ease with which I can now say that I am comfortable with the idea of moving apart.  It's an acceptance of a reality that is beyond my control, and it was entirely necessary for me to achieve, for a whole lot of reasons.  If Sheila and I decide somewhere down the road to get back together again, then great.  And if not, then that's okay now, too.  I am already preparing to look ahead to the possibility of someone else in my life, though not any time soon.  For now we have a world of things to think about and give our energy to, starting #1 with the kids, and followed closely by decisions about new living arrangements, a second home, and all that.  For all that I will be losing, there are also things I will be gaining, starting most immediately with my sanity.  For the past 2 1/2 years I have been tortured by our marital crisis, and for the past two months I have been consumed by it, to the rough tune of 40-90% of my brain cycles spinning constantly on this mess, at the expense of all else in my world.  I am already feeling myself ease up, laugh more with the kids and with Sheila, and opening up to really lively, interesting conversations again with friends and colleagues.  This is a moment I've been waiting for.  This whole period of my life has not been mis-spent; it has been preparation for what was ahead, and that time is now.