Empowerment of a Guiding Principle

Believe it or not, it has been very difficult for me to take a hard stand here, and to show my anger in an sincere way. My head has been a fury of angry, painful, sobering thoughts, but fear of further damaging our very tenuous situation has prevented me from laying down the law. If there was no one else to consider beyond ourselves, I would almost certainly have walked out the door by now. But there are -- our kids -- and so I don't have that choice. Although I don't believe I come across as weak when we're talking -- I'm pretty much all level-headed logic -- I have somehow allowed myself to be painted as a victim, the ineffective protector of what we already have. It's not an attractive position to be in, and it's not the right role for me to be playing. Instead, it is time to look upon myself -- and express myself -- as the dispassionate and detached guardian of our marriage and our family. That takes the conflict away from Sheila vs. me, and changes it to the world vs. our marriage/family. What needs to be said is something like, "Anyone who tries to split our family apart will be flattened. I do this out of love for my wife and my children. Our marriage is the foundation of our family, and I'm going to hold the line." As an eternal optimist, a really nice guy, and an ultra-rational engineer, it's not in my nature to get worked up about things, or to use rough language. But it feels refreshingly honest and empowering to take this stand, and it's an important guiding principle in these confusing times.

Now, I recognize that this side-steps the significant point that
Sheila believes she doesn't want to be with me, but these are separate
issues, and need to be addressed individually. The guiding principle
above is not negotiable. The issue between Sheila and me is very
complicated, and will take a great deal of time and effort, and the
guidance of a couples' therapist (we begin right after the new year),
before can hope to see progress.

Prep school, Ivy League, Silicon Valley, marriage and the comforts of
upper middle-class suburban life in a highly desirable, progressive
part of the world. I have led a charmed life with a pretty smooth
path to success. A lot of hard work, but never too hard before now.
And never have I come up against a world-shattering calamity like
this. This whirlwind education in life has been a long time coming,
but I can feel myself growing behind my very eyes.

Searching for the Soul of my Wife

So Sheila and I had a good talk last night. In a fairly easy-going way I managed to lay out a lot of the ideas I've been mulling in this blog. We talked about our options and the upsides/downsides of each, for us and for the kids. In particular, we discussed the option of staying together and finding ways to work towards our own happinesses (which she redefined for herself as passion, contentment, and being understood). Her fear is that time is running out for her to move on to something else. At 47, she's approaching retirement at work, and she will need to consider her income, and since I currently bring in the lion's share of the family income, she needs to start planning now if she's going to be on her own. I brought up the reality that she would probably need to find some sugar daddy to marry. I of course followed that up by pointing out that that may not be the loving relationship she dreams of, so what is she gaining? Low blow, yes. But it had to be said. Her response was there are a lots of reasons why people marry, depending on their current needs. True, but that's not a very hearty response in this case. I let the issue sit.

Earlier I had observed that she is acting as though divorce is a fait
accompli, and she affirmed this, but after this last comment she took
it upon herself to say that she isn't 100% certain about anything.
She didn't have to volunteer that, and it was noteworthy. I'm looking
for any toehold in the door. I just don't want to be too eager, and I
need to be careful not to use scare tactics or other lame strategies
that are beneath me (like the above comment).

From there the conversation went to what could make us happy together. She said she felt I never really "got" her -- never really understood her. I agreed that for the bulk of our marriage I have been really lame in this area. My 7-ness -- my exhuberant self-absorption -- have made it difficult for me to connect with people in general -- her and the kids at times. I said I have been doing a lot of thinking on this topic lately, and feel like I'm finally starting to wake up. I pointed out that I have really started to observe her likes and dislikes lately, and offered her a picture of herself. I observed that she really likes her comfort, her quiet time alone, and her privacy. She does not like to be smothered; she likes to keep a little distance between herself and the outside world. This is probably due to some trust issues during childhood or early adulthood. She is shy on the inside, but has always (since early childhood) managed to project a supreme confidence that can be really impressive, even intimidating. But for her, it's a defense. An affected aloofness to avoid having to take the stage and expose herself. As an aside, I'm almost the complete opposite of this. I'm an extrovert who doesn't mind getting up on stage and making a complete ass of myself. Not that I try to do this, of course. I just don't mind wearing my heart on my sleeve and trying my damnedest to do something under the lights. It's a challenge and an adventure, and I don't get embarrassed easily by the consequences should my abilities not work out. My behavior sometimes can be borderline mortifying for her, and that has led her to feel uncomfortable around me, especially in public, and at parties. I never really got this until now.

But there's another side to her, too -- the one she at last feels like she needs to explore. She's a deep romantic, in a private way, and yearns for passion. This one is more difficult for me to uncover, and most sadly I don't think I've been very good at inspiring this side of her. It's not necessarily passionate embraces -- physical intimacy -- that she's seeking, though there is some of that. It's a passion that comes from doing what you want, taking your freedom and putting your energies into something full and meaningful, and special to you. Carpe Diem. For her this was raising a daughter, but that dream is now gone, and she is searching for something else. In our talk last night I mentioned that I want us both to pursue our passions, uninhibited by our marriage, but ideally without breaking the marriage. I said that I, too, am finally seeing the importance of living life to the fullest. I just don't see the need to break apart our family to achieve our deepest longings. At least, I think we can achieve most of what we are looking for without sacrificing our family and our children in the process. That's been my consistent message all during this time, and I think it was to that point that she made the comment that she's not 100% sure of anything.

Stress

I am completely preoccupied with my marriage crisis, and I need to get out of this mode. I need to focus on just myself right now, because things are probably going to get a lot worse before they get any better.

I am completely incapacitated at work -- I have no room in my head for any other thoughts, and I am immensely distractable. Writing is one of the few outlets for my thoughts, and it really helps me gain clarity.

I have so many thoughts about our -- my -- crisis that I need to process. Here are a few more:

My biggest problem right now is I don't want to let go. I don't want to let go because I don't know if I should or not. Letting go might mean letting our marriage slip away when it could be saved. On the other hand, if I knew that it couldn't be saved, letting go is the only way I can gain my sanity. So it really boils down to this: I want to know if our marriage can be saved. Once I know the answer to that, I will know what to do. Unfortunately, there is no absolute answer. I could put odds on the answer, but it will always boil down to a maybe until we both reach consensus on it. And right now we're at opposite ends of the field.

This is an important point, though. I may never decide I want out of the marriage, but I may reach a point where I recognize that it is futile to keep trying. Should we reach that point, things will get easier because my need to let go will be clear.

Sheila is acting like she's already moved on. She manages herself now as an individual. After last weekend's parties, which were planned ages ago, she has made no more plans that involve just the two of us, and she is scheduling things for me to do with the boys. She is already making the transition to becoming a single mom, making accommodations for a separated dad, and loosening any reliance or dependencies on me. She seems very calm and efficient about this, and I sense that she is feeling much more at peace with herself these days. She is no longer making any pretension or effort to act like a couple with me, either privately or in public. We still sleep in the same bed at night, but we're essentially separated already.

What on Earth is she thinking? I was just reading a bunch of articles about the impact of divorce on kids, and I can't fathom why she would want to subject our kids to this. Evidently she sees a larger plan, and believes the kids will come out of this just fine, or possibly even better than they are faring right now with two disconnected parents. Of course, if we could find a way to reconnect, things would be much better for the kids, a lot better for Sheila and me, and a hell of a lot better for all of us than getting a divorce.

So, what can I do to reduce my stress? Marriage counseling doesn't start for another three weeks, so I'll need to do something to get by. It doesn't do me any good to be stressed right now -- it certainly won't help me heal our marriage in any way. I can continue to spew my thoughts to this blog, or I can find something else to do. I'm just not in a good state of mind right now to go off and join a group or get involved in a big project. At least I'm getting together with friends a lot, over poker, movies, lunch. That's a lot better than crawling under a log, which is what I feel like doing. Still, I need a three week plan. I'll give this some thought for my next post.

Decoupling

I'm pretty quickly coming to terms with the fact that we are decoupling, becoming independent of each other. This has been painfully difficult for me, to start to see myself as a completely independent being, separate from my wife and our marriage. Kind of like a child going through adolescence, becoming independent of his parents and experiencing the thrills of freedom but also the frightening responsibilities of being on one's own. Sheila has been pushing me in this direction for a long while now, gently but firmly. Just this weekend I took the kids to a Sharks game, and then yesterday the boys and I went to HMB and together cut down a Christmas tree. Sheila was off by herself at a choir concert during the game, and then at the ballet with her mom and sister for the tree cutting. Girl time. Separate lives now, separate worlds.

So, I get it: I now know what Sheila wants. She sees clearly that we each get one shot at life, and there's no reason to waste it hitched to someone you don't want to be with. At 47 (3 1/2 years older than me), she's looking at her life and deciding its time to make it better. Having lived with me for the last 18 years, she knows me well enough to know I'm not going to make her happy. She doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with me, and that's just the reality of it. In couples' therapy next month I'm going to challenge her beliefs here: challenge her belief that we can't find ways to be happy together, since we have never really tried to to this under counseling; and challenge the need to separate when we could explore our worlds independently while leaving the family intact for the kids. The needs she feels now may be very different from the ones she will have 10 years from now, and divorce leaves little chance that we will want to get together again once it's final.

But she's a smart girl and has given a whole lot of thought to the decision she's making. I'm preparing myself for the divorce, and the aftermath, and although every ounce of my body screams "NO!", I'm going to keep a level head about me and go through with the proceedings with civility, love, and tenderness. Because now it's all about the kids. There are things we can do to make this more or less traumatic for them, and there is absolutely no justification for making this any worse than it has to be. Although I have only come to realize this belatedly, Sheila will always be my one love. Sadly, I'm not the one for her.

The fascinating thing is I am now coming to terms with my own independence. It's a comfortable world living in a marriage, and comfort breeds complacency, which can lead to laziness and taking things for granted. I am beginning to see myself as an individual, with no one else but me responsible for my survival, well-being, happiness, comfort, inspiration, passion, and motivation. I will no longer be looking to Sheila to satisfy any of these things. The boys will always be a big part of my life, and I am already finding myself spending more relaxed time with them, getting to know them better, listening to them, playing with them, thinking of fun and interesting things to inject into our lives together. This is my new life. I may end up meeting someone new, but I don't view that with the same urgency I felt even a few weeks ago when I began to seriously consider that I would find myself on my own. That's a good thing. I have a lot of things to think about and practice, on my own, for now. It also struck me that I have never, in my entire life, lived alone. I always had roommates in prep school and college, and in SF right out of college. Then Sheila and I got a place together, got kittens, and bought a house together. Our first of five. We have always done houses, and kids, well together.

At some point, perhaps in couples' therapy, I want to find out: what has been the strongest, most significant reason Sheila can point to to say why she wants to leave me? I won't be surprised if it's my dependence on her. Some women might like that, I suppose, but Sheila is far too independent to find that appealing. If only someone had clued me in ages ago...

Interestingly, I didn't used to feel emotionally dependent on her at all. I certainly took her for granted, and that was the root of a lot of her unhappiness, but I didn't feel emotionally dependent on her, or even attached to her, until recent years. That's perhaps when things started to go downhill. She is someone who likes to keep other people at a certain distance, so that they don't impose on her and stifle her. She wants to be understood, loved, respected, but not smothered. I have been smothering her in recent years, with unwanted affection as well as with my invasive questions about her feelings and our relationship. Had I understood her better, I would have known to keep back. On the other hand, I realized we were in a crisis and I had to have answers, and I tried to do my best to bring us together. Could I have played things cooler during this time, or would this have been next to impossible for me? Is this just more evidence that our intimacy needs just don't mesh well? I have no problem changing my behavior if it will lead towards a healthier relationship long-term for us. I just need to know what I can do now, if anything, to save our marriage.

Investing in a Belief

(Written Friday, December 14, 2007)

Sheila appears to be increasingly invested in her belief that we shouldn't be married. This may be deliberate or unconscious, or some of both. To fulfill this prophecy, I find her sabotaging our time together, being unnecessarily cold and unhelpful. She wasn't always this way; it appears to be a recent development that may coincide with her firming commitment to the belief that we are wrong for each other.

I know that pointing this out to her directly will not lead to anything positive. She would likely become defensive and disagree with my premise. After all, her premise, that we are not meant for each other, have little in common, and don't understand each other, trumps all in her mind. It's an impossible point to try to argue, and I'm glad I'm aware enough to not even try.

Instead, I go back to the idea that the greatest hope lies in addressing the cause of our unhappiness, and not challenging the symptoms -- the external manifestations of it. For me, that translates to bringing positive, constructive energy to our time together, being patient with Sheila, and gently defusing conflicts instead of falling into the trap of engaging them. It also means infusing creative activities and ideas into our marriage and our family time. She needs to be the one to see that we could have some fun together; it may take a while for her to acknowledge the possibilities that await her, and it doesn't help in any way for me to simply say it. She isn't going to offer these things to our marriage, but that can't stop me from doing it. In this phase of our relationship, I fully expect to be the only one pulling the load, and that's okay with me.

Going to Parties

(Written Thursday, December 13, 2007)

Something that has struck both of us since our courtship days is that
we never stuck together when we went to parties. Largely, this was
because our temperaments were so different. I am much more of an
extrovert, wanting to bop around and talk to everyone; Sheila prefers
to talk to a few people in a quieter setting. Somehow being separate
at parties became our pattern, even after I lost the interest in being
a social bopper (recent years). Now it just feels awkward to be
together, like the ice between us is always present, and so we don't
even try. It's this awkwardness that I'd love to stare down and try to
overcome. I have even tried to do that on occasion, but I think this
makes Sheila feel too awkward, and she no longer seems interested in
overcoming it.

Should we try to address this issue head on, or is it just another
symptom, and we should address the cause instead?

A Way Forward: Focus on the Cause and not the Symptom

(Written Thursday, December 13, 2007)

As we brace ourselves for couple's therapy beginning after the New Year (I'm going to cancel our appt for Monday, since I want some more time for us both to sit with things before we jump into what may further gel Sheila's current convictions), some thoughts are swirling around in my head about what things might look like should we decide to change things.

For starters, there are many other options between doing nothing and separating (which I am assuming implies an eventual divorce). We could take a harder look at what we want in our lives right now, and see if there is a way to address them without separating.

For instance, Sheila and I have very different intimacy needs, and so we could look for a compromise, where I put less or no pressure on her, she doesn't feel me hovering over her at night, and maybe I find a way to meet my needs outside of our marriage.

For another, I could really work on stepping up to proactively bring things into our family and our marriage. Be more of a leader than a follower. I feel like I am primed to make this type of behavioral change. This is very different from saying I'm going to change who I am -- it really means I'm going to explore new aspects of who I am.
Kind of like Scrooge in A Christmas Tale, who sees the light and turns
a new leaf.

There are other things we can work on, but the point here is to focus
on behavioral changes instead of on how to get Sheila to fall in love
with me again. Don't try to address the symptom; focus on the cause.
If she happens to fall in love with me again, it will likely happen as
a side-effect of something else. I don't think anything can influence
it directly. And it goes without saying, though I'll say it anyway,
that preserving our marriage, and keeping our family intact, should
motivate us to try this kind of thing out.

Reflections on my Contributions to our Marriage

(Written Thursday, December 13, 2007)

I fear that I don't bring much to our marriage, or even our family,
and haven't for a long while. In particular, I could do a much better
job of contributing energy, passion, romance, events, activities,
excitement, enthusiasm, spirituality, conversation. Sheila has long
noted, privately, that I am more of a follower than a leader. Not a
good characteristic for her to see in me, given her stated attraction
to doing more than talking.

Romance:

In the romance department, it was quite notable that she started off
our marriage being very romantic: cards, post-it notes, presents, our
first aniversary dinner where I was met at the door of our new house
with my wedding tux to put on, and she had a quiet candle-lit dinner
prepared while she waited at our humble kitchen table wearing her
wedding dress. Absolutely unforgettable. For my part, I don't
remember contributing much at all in this way. I was always good for
a very sweet and thoughtful card on her birthday, Valentine's

A year later, her romantic gestures had begun to dwindle, and for the
past 5 years or so she has hardly put any heart into a birthday,
Valentines, New Year's or any other card for me. I, on the other
hand, really picked it up in this department around the same time,
noting the change in her. Our 10th anniversary (6 years ago) was also
notable, largely because we both contributed to its success. We went
to a sweet B&B in HMB and brought candles, pictures, poetry, and our
wedding vows. We had a glorious hot tub in our room, and relaxed in
each others' arms to the sound of the beating rain outside. It really
was nice.

So, romance is an area I have long known I need to work on, but it doesn't stay in my thoughts very long, and I often fall flat when I try to think up romantic gestures beyond writing a thoughtful card.There is no reason I can't focus more attention on what is going on here, though. I have always assumed I am just too self-absorbed, and that's probably largely to blame. Sheila appreciates actions more than words, though, and so it is understandable that my lack of romantic gestures has been very disappointing to her, leading her now to believe that we are just not a good match.

Events and Activities:

I can envision bringing more cool stuff into our family, introducing the kids to neat projects, coming up with weekend trips, day trips, etc. Sadly, I can't think of many things like this that I've done. Most of our trips are initiated by Sheila, and I help out but don't contribute much beyond schlepping, driving, booking hotels, etc. The house swap to Barcelona next summer, should I manage to pull it off, will be a major contribution point. I suppose the many weddings in Mexico, New York, Maine, Cape Code, etc. were my doing, since they were my friends, but those were mostly a while ago and don't count towards the past few years. I did take our middlest guy to New York with me a couple of summers ago, and that was way cool, but maybe doesn't count for much as far as family bonding goes. I've rightfully earned grinch status when it comes to putting up holiday decorations. Interestingly, I've taken a new interest in all this over the last couple of weeks, since I see that it is part of our family life together. It really does have value.

What would be really cool is to come up with some things we could do together, as a family, that would go beyond just going out and spending a lot of money on amusement. We have done some camping, and travelling, and day trips here or there. We need more of this time together as a family, without electronics or other distractions: interactive time together.

Part of what has dampened my enthusiasm towards this type of thing in the past is the fact that Sheila has been less than enthusiastic herself in recent years, and has been an active downer in many ways. It's hard for me to imagine injecting good will and spirit in this environment, when I feel like she isn't playing ball. Again, she is fulfilling her own prophecy that we are doomed.

Everyday Conversation and Laughter:

I should try to think up areas of interest that we share, and initiate
conversations and activities around these areas. There is nothing
like a good, positive conversation to pick up our spirits. Laughing
is contagious, and although the boys and I do a fair amount of it,
it's usually around banter, and Sheila doesn't really partake, unless
in a somewhat disapproving way.

How to bring humor and levity into our family? It probably starts
with an easy manner, which I need to get back to, but which has been
really tough under the circumstances. Time to adopt an air of
haven't-a-care confidence, and then follow it up with riveting and
hilarious stories. I don't know; the first part is fine, but I've
never been much of a story teller.

Anyway, these are all things I should work on, to help win Sheila back
to my side.

Carrying a Snuffed Out Torch

(Written Wednesday, December 12, 2007)

Sheila and I had a calm but unambiguous talk last night. I had sent her email asking if she could commit to our marriage, and she hadn't replied. After dinner the boys cleared out to go do homework and stuff, and we remained at the table. I asked if she got my email (knowing she had), and she looked down and a little sad and said"Yes." I knew right away the answer, and told her so, and she nodded sadly. Silence as this sunk in. I said it was funny, I was looking at the journals I had been keeping in early 2006, and I had apparently asked her the exact question twice before. Her response at that time was, "I'm still here", and then later, "I don't know". Now she knows.

This is a very sad time. The crux of the issue for her is she
believes we are not meant for each other. When I gently press her on
this, she cannot explain, other than to say it's a chemistry thing
that really can't be explained. I only half agree with her, and tell
her that the problem for me is I don't trust that she's right about
that. I think there are steps couples can take to bring them
together, to find compatibility, love, harmony. I don't know what
those steps are, but I believe there are professional marriage
counselors who may be doing this all the time. This is my final hope
for us.

She is willing to go to counseling. She doesn't think it's going to
change the way she feels about me, but it might help both of us
understand each other's position better, and help with the process of
moving on. Well, I don't hold out expectations for coming together,
but I'm not prepared to let go of my hope.

Interestingly, after our talk, which was very amicable and even
loving, I felt more at ease about things. I think the ambiguity of
our situation is what has been most difficult to deal with, and any
sort of clarity brings me calmness. I found myself jumping to what's
next, and imagining what life will be like, trying to view it from the
perspective of, "Hey, this is going to be my new life. I'm the same
guy I was, and things are going to be different, but they don't have
to be all bad." Sheila said she wants us to have dinner together
every night, and largely keep things the way they are now. Seems like
a mini fantasy, but who knows, it could work. We have her parents'
condo, 5 minutes away, that sits empty most of the time. After
putting the boys to bed, one of us would then head up there, and
return in the morning to do carpooling duties, etc. The house still
needs to be maintained, and there will always be theatre and sports
activities projects with the kids on weekends and after school. The
main difference is we won't be sharing a room together at night.

At least that might be our intermediate term arrangement. Short term, meaning starting right now (and assuming marriage counseling does not guide us to a path of reconciliation), things are pretty much unchanged. We even talked about "marriage with benefits" as a possibility, once it's safe that I won't be getting the wrong idea and misinterpreting it as anything more than casual sex. Hey, at the core, I'm really just a horn dogger, so I'll take whatever I can get.

We talked again about what's next longer term. I said there's really
no way I'm living the rest of my life as a single guy, so inevitably
I'm going to remarry. Nothing surprising there. Sheila doesn't think
she will; she can foresee herself happily unmarried for the rest of
her life. She even said she questions whether she is suited to
marriage. Hmm.

One of my very best friends called yesterday after I tipped him off via email that things were going South fast, and he had some really helpful words about the unexpected upsides of shared parenting. Drawing from the experiences of a mutual close friend, he pointed out that when you have a 50/50 arrangement, you get your kids full on when it's your turn, and then you get 100% your own time when they're with their mom. There are some really nice benefits of this, and the reality is there hasn't exactly been much added benefit from doing stuff as a family, since Sheila and I don't lovingly interact in frontof them anymore. Family trips have been a lot of going through the motions, lacking inspiration. It will be really interesting to see if the passion and inspiration that lie dormant in both Sheila and me can now find a way to surface. I had always hoped that would happen once we started to turn the corner in our relationship. I still do, even though it seems naive now for me to continue carrying the torch. Anyway, one way or another, I hope that this passion and inspiration can return now to our lives.

Impact on Future Generations

(Written Tuesday, December 11, 2007)

Sheila, we have to deal with our problems.  We can't waltz away from this marriage and think they will go away.  Even if the problems *are* tied to our marriage, either we work them out now, or we push them onto our children and their therapists to deal with.  Seems to me like a pretty clear choice.

Blindsided

(Written Tuesday, December 11, 2007)

I admit I was completely blindsided by the fact that my wife wanted to leave me. I should have seen it coming, especially considering the daughter issue described in the 'Mourning the Loss...' post, but it never occurred to me that we wouldn't be able to find the time, when the dust settled on our very busy lives, to work through our issues.

Probably in response to this blindsiding, I have gone to the other extreme, where I now assume the very worst about our situation. I need to check myself on this, but without solid evidence one way or another there is plenty of latitude for guesswork, and my guesses are generally going to the extreme possibilities. At least, my outward guesses, including what I put down on paper and talk about with my close friends, are as start and bleak as I can imagine. Inwardly I still hold a strong candle of hope that things will somehow work out.

Any insights here? Only the recognition that this is going on with me, as some sort of defense mechanism. The truth probably lies somewhere in between these outward expressions and inward hopes.

Breaking the Ice

(Written Tuesday, December 11, 2007)

 

What seems very important to me right now is that Sheila and I find some way to break the ice that has developed between us.  We need to take the baby steps of helping it to thaw, in a non-threatening way.  That is, let it thaw without immediately letting the floodgates of expectation open up.  Baby steps.  Once things thaw out for awhile, we can look at the next step, etc.

Attraction

(Written Tuesday, December 11, 2007)

If Sheila has decided she is no longer attracted to me, what can be done about this? Can a marriage survive in this state? Over time, should we find a way to recapture some general warmth towards each other, might this somehow take care of itself? I'm an attractive guy, just as she is a stunning beauty. Beneath our skin we're both very attractive, charismatic individuals as well. The chemistry is definitely lacking right now, from her end. It works in mysterious ways, but surely there are techniques that can help us find each other again.

Our Marriage is NOT the Problem

(Written Tuesday, December 11, 2007)

We definitely have problems we need to sort out, but they will not be resolved by breaking apart the marriage. Sheila needs to come to this realization herself; I can't be the one to tell her that. This is one thought that somehow gives me comfort. The problem is not our marriage. Yes it is suffering, but what is failing most is our ability to cope with the challenges in our lives right now.

Meditation

(Written Tuesday, December 11, 2007)

 

What Sheila and I may need now is down time to reflect, and medidate, on things.  I'm feeling like I'm close to a nervous breakdown sometimes, and she probably is too.  We need to get out of this panic state and gain clarity and perspective on things.

Marriage is like a Democracy

(Written Tuesday, December 11, 2007)

A democracy may be born by a revolution, but it takes constant vigilance, and a well-educated populace, to keep it healthy and thriving. There are always competing interests and agendas in a democracy, but at the end of the day, the understood goal is still unity. Without this vigilance and self-awareness, it is prone to atrophy, decay, and corruption from within.

Marriage is no different.

Marriage is a Platform

(Written Tuesday, December 11, 2007)

Marriage need not be all sweetness and roses to work. It is also a platform for our family structure, and a support system for each of us to work out our issues, both individually and together. Resetting our sights on what's important here, we may find that our marriage is what's going to carry us through this very tough time. Sweetness, understanding, passion -- these are things to strive for, and they are attainable. We need to keep our eyes on the prize, but there is a lot of hard work to get through before we reach that point. And once there, it will take more work to help it stay healthy.

Mourning the Loss of the Daughter We Never Had

(Written Tuesday, December 11, 2007)

Five or six years ago, after our third boy was born, Sheila declared that the most important thing to her was to be the mother of a daughter. This was a poser, because I was pretty adament that while I too would love to have had a daughter, I did not want to have yet another child, whether through birth or adoption. The first moment she raised the possibility of adoption, I remember saying that this was going to be a knife between us.

For me there were a couple of major factors:

1. We were already stretched financially raising three boys in one of the most expensive parts of the world. The addition of another child would undoubtedly limit our choices for the other children when it came to private schools or other resource-intensive opportunities, putting us deeper into debt and incurring the danger and uncertainty that goes along with it.
2. Any time you bring another child into your family, you take a risk that something will go wrong. We were extremely fortunate to have three healthy children, and taking on a new member of the family with unknown background could bring unexpected risk and uncertainty to our family.
3. We were already having a hard time giving our existing boys all of the attention they deserve, and I hated to think we would be further adding to that stress.

Of course, Sheila had legitimate answers to all of these misgivings, and so we went back and forth for a long time. At one point I declared that I could live with the possibility, and so we began the process of interviewing with a social worker. When the social worker asked whether I had any reservations about the process, I had to be honest, though, and expressed all of the concerns above. I wanted the social worker to help us decide whether these would be showstoppers for us, but I knew I was sabotaging the process. This was almost unbearable for Sheila. It seems awful, but how should I have handled this differently?

It's quite possible that this issue is the main cause driving Sheila to want to leave me. She has never gotten over it, or forgiven me for blocking something that was essential to her happiness, and I don't expect she will. I have never known how to face this issue myself, and face the pain it has caused her. My arguments above seem weak and self-centered, but my gut still tells me it would have been a mistake. God, this could be what our break up is really all about. I didn't want to embrace this adventure with her -- I prevented her from attaining the one thing that mattered most to her in the world. How must I look to her now, after that happened? It's no coincidence that it was around that time that she became despondent with our marriage, and started to really stop loving me. She used to go on walks alone that ended up in tears. She used to cry herself to sleep. I was somewhat aware of this, but hoped it would pass as she got used to the idea. We talked about it periodically, but I really had nothing significant to offer her, except my sympathy. She must have seen us as incompatible people as a result of this, and she stopped caring about our relationship. Anger and despair turned to numbness, which has devolved into the present mess.

Is what we are going through now the result of that decision? Without going along with the adoption, how could I have acted in a way that would have avoided the outcome we are now heading towards? As things turned out, we probably could have made room for another child in our lives. If I had it all over again, and knew what I know now (which is not realistic, of course, but still worth mulling), I believe I made the wrong choice. Sheila is a consummate mother, the best there ever was or will be, and she would have made such a good mother to our daughter. That could have been her greatest gift to this world. We are living a Shakespearean Tragedy.

Occasionally, The Pot Boileth Over

(Written Monday, December 10, 2007)

Last night we went to bed together, and after about an hour of tossing
and turning over tortured thoughts, things just welled up inside me
and I started talking to Sheila, loudly enough to wake her. I think
I've only ever done this once or twice before in my life (naturally,
it was within the past couple of years). I said I decided it wasn't me
who should move out, it was her. If life was such hell living with me,
then she out to just take off and move into an apartment. Screw
marriage counseling if she is so certain it is not going to help our
marriage. I wanted to stay in the house with the boys. She woke up
from all this, and in her groggy stupor said I was nuts. She didn't
want either of us to move out, and what's more, life isn't hell for
her at all.

Go figure.

Earlier that evening, she said she was of course fully aware of all the consequences of our splitting up, and yet it was still worth it to her. When I reminded her of these comments, she said she could explain, but not just right then and there, in the middle of the night. Still, I wouldn't let it rest just yet. When we talked earlier yesterday about going to a marriage counselor, she said she was willing to go, because it might help both of us understand why we were making whatever decision we ended up making. Which, of course, means splitting up, at least in her mind, I said. She said she isn't sure that we're done just yet, and she keeps telling me that but I don't seem to be listening.

Anyway, that put my mind at ease just enough, so I slept like a baby
for the rest of the night. This morning she said she understands my
frustration, but ruining her night and leaving her exhausted starting
off a new week was not setting things in a positive direction. Point
taken.

Sometimes when things seem to boil over inside my head, it strikes me that my best path here is to just take it easy and let things progress at their own pace. Is that generally true, or is there some value in a genuine outburst every now in then? My gut tells me it's a good thing to not always keep this stuff in; you have to call bullshit sometimes, when things are just plum out of whack. On the flip side, if she really is trying to make a decision inside her head about whether to stay or go, my behavior might be tipping the scales. She says she has lived with me for 18 years, and has a pretty good idea about who I am, and that's what she's basing her decision on, so she's really not reacting to me any more. Great. So I'm doomed for stuff that happened ages ago, and nothing I can do now can help the situation. Nice little spot I've gotten myself into.

Is it me, or does everyone else her see the obvious parallel between our marriage and George W pounding the drumbeat to war with Iraq? Bush, with the help of Rummie pounding on the drums too, trumped up all kinds of crap to pursuade the sheep around him to go to war with Iraq. He had it in his head that that was what he wanted to do, the truth and the rest of the world be damned. Similarly, Sheila has it in her head that she wants to split up with me, despite the lack of much of a reason other then an internal conviction. She has her therapist and the legion of the Ya Ya Sisterhood of single moms (well, one, anyway) drumming right along with her, "excited" about her prospect for finally turning the page on this awful chapter and getting on with her real life. The "small civilization" that is most impacted by her decision is waving its hands and shouting "NO!" (well, I am anyway), but we don't figure in her marching plans. Her plan is set in motion, and ain't nobody going to get in her way.

Did I mention today just how much in love with her I am? I know I'm
sitting here railing on her, and it's easy to forget this salient,
overriding, inescapable truth. I'm just madder than hell at her right
now.

Commitment

(Written Monday, December 10, 2007)

More than anything else I want right now is for Sheila to commit to our relationship. She has been teetering on this for years now, going back and forth on trying to decide whether or not she wants to stay married. Right now she isn't sure -- again -- and that is immensely frustrating. Without the commitment all of my efforts seem to fall flat. Of course, all of my efforts to "fix our marriage" are probably doomed to failure. There probably isn't anything I can do to fix it, other than to let it go and see what happens. The only thing that can save it is if Sheila decides to commit to it again and give it an honest try.

I fear that she sees herself as having taken a step down a new path, with no possibility of turning back. The path to the Ya Ya sisterhood of stoic single moms who have finally gotten up the courage to leave their unhappy marriages. To join with the single moms who have left abusive, neglectful, unfaithful, incapable-of-changing-their-bad-ways husbands and forged ahead to the better world of soloing it for awhile, maybe remarrying and joining up with some other Jack. Only, that's not Sheila. She isn't walking away from her marriage to escape from any of those rotten things. She's leaving because she can't see a way to her own personal happiness if she stays married to me. She's romanticizing this path of martyrdom, becoming more convinced each day that this is in her best interest, and curiously, in the best interest of our children, too.

What's wrong with her picture? Well, it's not for me to point out to her the flaws in it, that's for sure. But that doesn't stop me from trying. The problem with this picture is she is actually leaving behind a husband that has been desperately trying to revive our marriage for the past 2 1/2 years, stopping at absolutely nothing, day and night, in the pursuit of mending our marriage and transforming our family into a happy one. We have no conflicts over domestic issues like the kids, money, housemaking decisions, anything. The only issue that lies between us, and has for many years, is intimacy. Yes that often translates to sex, but for a long time now I've been willing to take even that off the table in order to just have some peaceful time together, enjoying each other's company. That is too much for Sheila to bear now, too. And even that is okay for me -- I don't want to pressure her into anything if she's not comfortable with it, though I can't imagine spending the rest of our lives without any intimacy whatsoever. But the fact that Sheila doesn't want to be intimate is for her a clear indication that we're just not right for each other. And that is the crux of the issue for her. We're just not right for each other. Decided after many years of solo contemplation, without ever really trying to engage me in the subject; as if I don't factor into the equation.

In fairness (and while I'm ranting a bit here, I honestly endeavor to know the truth about everything here, which means the god's honest truth ) during my "dark" years -- prior to my "awakening" 2 1/2 years ago -- she did raise the fact that I was distant to her, and that she seemed unable to engage me somehow. I fully recognize that that was a desperate problem for our relationship, and I will go to my grave feeling awful that I was unable to break through during those years and develop that ability to "see". The development finally came -- like a child learning to speak -- like a flash 2 1/2 years ago, and so the history I am most interested in here is the period since that moment. It was that cataclysmic occurence that shocked me to my core and sent me spinning on this crusade to save our marriage. Again, all I want is for Sheila to finally take our marriage seriously again, and commit to its success for awhile. I am so ready.

Background on our situation

(Taken from an email sent to a friend on Dec. 6, 2007)

So, looking back over the past few years and attempting to summarize, I would say that Sheila has known for the past 5 years, if not more, that she was not really in love with me. She hasn't seen me as a lover in quite some time. For the sake of the family she decided to stay in the marriage and accept that she might never feel passion and intimacy again, and she had been pretty much resigned to this for many years. What changed is that I "woke up", in July 2005. Something spurred me from my slumber, and it was the sudden realization that she could be happy, animated, and playful around other people, in a way that she never was around me. That realization was totally shocking, and I have no idea why it took me so long to realize it, but it did. Something in my brain hadn't developed until that moment, and I suddenly reached a new stage of development (hooray!).

So, at that point in time Sheila was in a marriage that met many of her day to day needs -- support system for her children, financial security, civil interaction with her partner, etc. -- but she didn't feel connected to her partner and the relationship was of course lacking in passion. When I confronted her and told her I suddenly saw us in crisis, this was jarring to her, and shook her out of this quasi-contented state of being. At that point she wasn't looking for change, and during the intervening years since then, she has been the advocate for the "path of acceptance" while I have been pushing the "path of change." As time went on and I kept pushing this issue, it forced her to realize that things really couldn't go on as they were, and that, if nothing else, it was going to be a royal pain to live with me while I kept pointing out the glaring flaws in our relationship. Most recently, as in the past couple of weeks, she met again with her old therapist, and came away with a newfound strength to make the hard decision to break away from our holding pattern. That was courageous, and although the implications are that our marriage, and our family, are probably going to break apart, I fully support her in attempting to move things forward in our lives. I, too, have been torn between wanting things to get better and just stay the same, and I think we both saw that things could go on forever in an uncomfortable state. The best chance for happiness in our lives (and possibly, though I'm far from convinced of this, in the kids' lives), was for us to explore life apart from each other. What new understandings and realizations that will bring for both of us is anyone's guess, but of course I'm trying to guess.

It's very likely that Sheila will at last feel the freedom that each of us must feel in order to be healthy and sane. This freedom will open up all kinds of doors in her life that she didn't know existed, or which she hadn't explored in a long while or ever. I don't know how much pent-up desire or needs she has, but I've got to figure there are some there, and it's likely they will involve exploring new relationships. These relationships may work out, they may not, and she may start running with a new crowd all her own. What I could hope for out of this is that she might come full circle to seeing me again as a potential mate. My work during this time is to get my head screwed on right, and then figure out what I can do to make myself attractive to her. I'm sure it's not rocket science, but there are probably a zillion charlatans ready to sell you their books on the topic. My job is to sort through the chaff and find out what I can. If you have come across any such things in your work, or if you know anyone who would have some ideas on this, I'm all ears.

Seeing her explore new relationships is really hard for me to imagine right now, but a big part of my own work is also to come to terms with this or else I will continue to hold attachments to her. These attachments can be crippling, I think, and so I will probably need to find some help in working this through. And I know I need to let go, because it's only when she is truly free that there is any chance for her to turn her gaze to me without feeling all of the baggage that is there now. What's more, I'm going to be a lot easier to approach if I'm not already in love with her.

I also need to free myself from attachment to her because it can only bring pain, and prevent me from achieving my potential as a person, lover, father, friend, contributor to society, you name it.

On a side note, I have been exchanging email with Carlos in Barcelona, and we're moving ahead with the plans we hatched last summer to do a house swap with his brother Luis' family. I mentioned to Sheila this morning that Carlos and I had finally exchanged email on this (the ball was long in my court to initiate the discussion, and I finally got to it last week), and asked if she would still like to do this. She said yes, but then asked whether I wanted to do it. I said I thought it would be a good thing to do regardless of our situation at that time, and she agreed. So, should this pass, it will be an interesting situation to put ourselves in. Who knows what will be going on with us next summer, but I think we are both planning on staying in each other's life, at least as far as the kids are concerned. It seems plausible to me that we continue to live together, but with the now clear understanding that it's as friends and partners, not as husband and wife. That's where we are today, and I would prefer to try this out for awhile because I'm really not excited about getting an apartment that we could alternate staying in, while the other was at the house. Of course, it would be interesting to have a bachelor pad, but it would still be only a poor substitute for having my wife back. It might help me get my mind off of her, though, and that couldn't be all bad. Nothing like a little sexual healing.

Okay, on that note, I'm back to work. Ciao, bello.

A Bit More on All This

(Taken from an email sent to a friend on Dec. 5, 2007)

Part of what gives me hope here is that a lot of the fundamentals in our relationship are sound. There is no abuse, no neglect (at least not now), no significant financial or parenting issues, no alcohol or drug problems, no annoying behavior or other turn-offs. I think that what Sheila is feeling is the result of old issues that were never resolved. For many years in our relationship I was disengaged, and she developed a deep sense of loneliness, which led to bitterness, and finally to numbness. I believe that this baggage is what's preventing her from warming up to me now. I think it's what prevents us from feeling at ease around each other. Should she really have a chance to separate herself from our marriage, she may be able to finally get past that baggage and see things as they currently are. That is an essential part of this process, and it's what has been missing thus far. From what I can tell, our day to day situation really is only bad because of the awkwardness and distance between us. It's her heart that is stopping her from warming to me right now, and not her head.

In the summer of 2005, when I "woke up" to our marriage crisis, Sheila was feeling pretty much the same way as she is now. Back then she considered separating, but fear of the consequences of that change are what prevented her from acting. Since that time she has continued to think about all of this, of course, and has looked to see whether her feelings for me have grown. They haven't, but I think this is partly because our relationship patterns didn't change during that time, and so a lot of the root causes of her unhappiness -- feeling stifled, feeling bitter towards me -- did not have a chance to get resolved. What has changed recently is her inner resolve to finally move on. She feels more courage now to face the consequences of a separation, partly because she believes her feelings for me will never return, and because she thinks she is now mentally prepared to move apart from me and from our former life together.

My hope and belief is that she has started down a new path towards freedom at last. Freedom to make her own decisions about everything.

Absolution

(Taken from an email sent to a friend on Dec. 5, 2007)

Well, it finally happened. We absolved the bonds of our marriage last night. We had probably the most open, honest conversation we've ever had, and Sheila said the biggest thing she needs right now is to truly have her freedom. I couldn't see any other way than to agree to call it quits, to release her from all constraints, wifely duties, pressures, obligations, and most importantly, expectations.

So, we'll decide at some point whether this means formally separating, getting separate places, divorce, etc., but for now, it means we are just free to be ourselves, with no attachments to each other. We're still parents to our kids, of course, and we may choose to continue to have dinner parties together, do family things together, etc., but there are no expectations in this regard and I'm taking nothing for granted.

Right now I want Sheila to get outside our marriage, let her catch her breath, feel her freedom, recapture her sense of self as an individual. For way too long she has felt only pain and pressure in our marriage, and that has fully prevented her from feeling anything positive about it, or me. Only when she has been on the outside for awhile can she have any reasonable perspective on our marriage. Sheila evidently is not looking for greener pastures -- indeed, she says she has hardly thought about "what's next" -- she just knows she has to get out from under this weight, and away from this pain.

How do I feel? When I am able to set aside for a moment the crushing feeling of abject failure, I admit I am pleased that we are finally taking some action to effect change. Trying like we have for the past 2 1/2 years (for me, that is; for Sheila it's been a lot longer than that) to maintain the status quo just wasn't working for either of us. Sheila was feeling an increasing need to "escape" from me, spending more and more time with her girlfriends, anything to avoid the pain and burden she felt when she was around me. It is conceivable that once she is able to look more clearly at me and our marriage, from the outside, she may decide it is what she wants after all. (After all, I'm pretty decent husband material, and I think I can go head-to-head with any other guy out there.) I can't deny that my eternal optimism tells me this all might lead to an actual reconciliation in our marriage, but I'm very definitely trying not to put that burden on either of us right now. It feels right to just let this thing float for now, in a zen-like way, consciously and deliberately free from attachment. After awhile, should things start to feel lighter between us, we may decide to see a marriage counselor, but for now I want this completely off the table.

So there you have it. It's up to the fates now. I'm doing okay, and I'm trying to focus my energies on work, and on the boys.