A Necessary Step Before Deciding to Divorce

• Sheila's heart is closed to me. I accept that this is true, and that while this is true, reconciliation is not possible.
• Sheila thinks this will not change in the future (she thinks this, not feels this, since speculation on what the future holds is firmly in the realm of the mind, not the heart). I don't believe anyone can "know" anything with absolute certainty, much less what might happen in the future.
• Sheila has not undergone psycho-therapy to explore, in depth, why her heart is closed to me. She has met with a counselor who is a wonderful, sensitive human being, but who has not been formally trained as an MFT or in psycho-therapy. I am not privy to the content of their work, though I observe that Sheila consistently comes away from these sessions with renewed clarity that she needs to move apart from me.
• Sheila thinks she has undergone sufficient reflection on her situation to warrant a certainty that our marriage cannot be reconciled.
• Because she hasn't done the heavy lifting necessary to support this certainty, I don't believe she is making an educated decision.
• I do believe that our marriage cannot be reconciled unless she comes to this belief, but I cannot be the one to tell her that; she will not hear it from me.
• Sheila has not yet made plans to meet with a psycho-therapist, though has informally expressed a willingness to do so.
• Should she meet with such a person, who would challenge her to fully explore what she is looking for and why she has been unable to find it so far, I believe she might come to a new understanding of our marriage, and find that we could reach common ground, passion, happiness, and all of the things that one could reasonably hope to achieve in a lifetime.
• That's my personal opinion, and I have shared it with her enough times to warrant this as "covering old ground." Nonetheless, I have yet to get a satisfactory response from her on this critical point.
• Nothing will divert us from the path of divorce if she doesn't take this step of meeting with a psycho-therapist and beginning this hard work.
• Sheila has thus far shown that she is convinced that she can only find happiness by leaving me, and without having to take this route of serious analysis. Fortunately, there is still time for her to make this plunge.
  
• I think that while we both may find happiness someday down the road of divorce, it is no lock, and without serious exploration of the issues that divided us, it is even more likely that we will both get stuck in the same place down the road.
• I have begun the work of exploring myself through psycho-therapy, and fully intend to analyze the dynamics in my personality that I may not be aware of, and which can cause problems like the ones I have had with Sheila. I expect that this blog will begin to take on some of my thoughts/understandings/revelations from this work.
  
• I believe I should ask her to take on therapy before deciding to divorce. Separation during this period seems reasonable and perhaps necessary, if inconvenient. Jumping to the assumption that divorce is the inevitable conclusion is premature.
• Having found that I am now capable of taking a dispassionate view of things, I believe I can live in that comfortable state, while continuing to push for Sheila to launch into the heavy work I think she needs on the side.

I can live with divorce. I have come to that understanding within myself. I love who I am, and I know I am going to do just fine, as I have done all my life. I am confident that both Sheila and I will provide all the love and support we can for our kids to help them with this process, and that they may even come out of it okay. What will make divorce much easier for me is knowing that Sheila truly explored herself, under the guidance of an excellent therapist, before making this decision for our family. If she explores herself deeply and finds truths within her, and between us, that on balance lead her to believe that divorce is the right path, then I honestly believe I will be able to accept that. It will be much harder for me to bear if she decides she doesn't need to go through this process. That, for me, will be profoundly irresponsible, and something I will have a hard time forgiving.

Sheila and I have discussed how important it is that we are on the same page about this when we talk to the kids, and to our family and friends. I feel it is essential for us to be in agreement, too, and a couple of days ago I thought we were. It now seems clear to me that I can't agree with her that divorce is the right thing until after she's done her homework.