Agenda for our Marriage Counselor

This afternoon begins a new segment in our saga, as we embark on what will likely be an important period of sould-searching and problem solving with a marriage counselor.  In anticipation of this, I have tried to formulate something of an agenda for what I would like to cover.  Nothing hard and fast, just a direction that seems reasonable.

 

Start off with some important background, including:

• When we met with a counselor for 5 sessions a year ago, the terms of the debate were different.  We went in with the mutual belief that divorce was off the table, and we separated into separate corners over the issue of how to live together.  Sheila's position was the "path of acceptance", meaning she was willing to endure things as they were, and did not want to try to change things, for either the better or the worse.  My position was the "path of change", where I was not happy with what we had, and wanted to work actively towards making things better between us.  Obviously, Sheila's position was born of the belief that things couldn't get better between us, or that she didn't even want them to.  Mine of the belief that since the fundamentals of our relationship were strong, and I was fully committed, reconciliation was entirely within our grasp.
• Sometime in this past November (right before I began this blog), things changed.  Sheila decided she could no longer endure things as they were, living with me, and resolved that her best hope at happiness in what remains of her life is to strike out alone, or at least apart from me.  She has consciously begun to pull herself away from me, cutting all pretenses of affection and intimacy with me, and start her new life as a single mom.  I remain equally resolved that our best path to happiness is to remain together and work through the issues that confront us.  While we have very significant issues in our marriage, they are things that we can address and overcome in therapy, and so ultimately the problem is not our marriage itself.  I see myself as the guardian of our marriage and our family, and while I recognize it may be beyond us to overcome these obstacles, I am determined to make every effort to do so before abanding our marriage and our intact family.
• While freely admitting that she is not 100% certain about anything right now, Sheila does feel fairly confident that this marriage does not hold anything for her.  That is why she isn't that interested in counseling or a head-to-head effort to fix our situation.  She has agreed to go to counseling, largely, because she knows that should se split up, we're going to need a lot of help with this process.  I enter this process hopeful that it will lead to reconciliation.

So, we come to the marriage counselor from different positions than we had before.  What I think needs to happen is this:

• We need to determine whether there is a chance for us to reconcile in some way, or whether there is no hope.  This will likely involve a lot of work to determine, but it is conceivable that our therapist will be able to short-cut this process and help us reach an early agreement.  I can imagine this short-cut going either way.  Both Sheila and I need to be comfortable with the decision, whatever way it cuts, before we progress to the next step.
• At its heart, this decision boils down to whether Sheila is going to be able to fall in love with me again.  We have tried living together without being in love, and we agree that this is not sustainable.  The ability to fall in love -- again -- with someone is utterly perplexing, defiant of any logic or reason, and unfortunately pretty much out of my hands.  I want to do whatever I can to help this, but I recognize that my involvement her may be extremely limited.  I expect that the first handful of sessions, which could be 1 to as many as a dozen (though unlikely), will revolve around this question.  Since this is the pivotal issue, I am adament that we must both agree with the outcome.
• The next step depends, of course, on the result of the first step.  If we have decided this marriage might be fixable -- that there are ways for someone in Sheila's position to find the love again -- then things get really interesting.
• Finally we can attempt the work that I have been wanting to do for years now:  analyze the factors that led to Sheila's discontent, which are largely my responsibility but not entirely. 
• Take a close look at the baggage that surrounds us, and the ice that separates us, and try to isolate it and dissolve it. 
• Take a look at why two totally cool people, who have no trouble getting along well with mutual friends, seem to have such a disconnect when interacting with each other. 
• Look at all of the things we have in common:  our views on parenting, politics, environment, child-rearing, finances, health and diet, housemaking, travel, etc
• Of course, if the conclusion from the first step is that divorce is inevitable, there are also many paths forward.  I don't even want to consider them here, but naturally we've both given them a lot of thought.