Believe it or not, it has been very difficult for me to take a hard stand here, and to show my anger in an sincere way. My head has been a fury of angry, painful, sobering thoughts, but fear of further damaging our very tenuous situation has prevented me from laying down the law. If there was no one else to consider beyond ourselves, I would almost certainly have walked out the door by now. But there are -- our kids -- and so I don't have that choice. Although I don't believe I come across as weak when we're talking -- I'm pretty much all level-headed logic -- I have somehow allowed myself to be painted as a victim, the ineffective protector of what we already have. It's not an attractive position to be in, and it's not the right role for me to be playing. Instead, it is time to look upon myself -- and express myself -- as the dispassionate and detached guardian of our marriage and our family. That takes the conflict away from Sheila vs. me, and changes it to the world vs. our marriage/family. What needs to be said is something like, "Anyone who tries to split our family apart will be flattened. I do this out of love for my wife and my children. Our marriage is the foundation of our family, and I'm going to hold the line." As an eternal optimist, a really nice guy, and an ultra-rational engineer, it's not in my nature to get worked up about things, or to use rough language. But it feels refreshingly honest and empowering to take this stand, and it's an important guiding principle in these confusing times.
Now, I recognize that this side-steps the significant point that
Sheila believes she doesn't want to be with me, but these are separate
issues, and need to be addressed individually. The guiding principle
above is not negotiable. The issue between Sheila and me is very
complicated, and will take a great deal of time and effort, and the
guidance of a couples' therapist (we begin right after the new year),
before can hope to see progress.
Prep school, Ivy League, Silicon Valley, marriage and the comforts of
upper middle-class suburban life in a highly desirable, progressive
part of the world. I have led a charmed life with a pretty smooth
path to success. A lot of hard work, but never too hard before now.
And never have I come up against a world-shattering calamity like
this. This whirlwind education in life has been a long time coming,
but I can feel myself growing behind my very eyes.
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