There is something important that I want to say to Sheila. I want her to know that my turning point came about when I decided to believe her, believe in her, and acknowledge that what she was feeling was true. This required an immense amount of trust on my part, to place my trust in her about something that is so incredibly important to me and my family, and I want her to know that I solemnly place that trust in her. I want her to know that by placing this trust in her, I in effect took the decision out of my hands and placed it in hers.
But there is a second part to this, that is more confusing to me but equally important. I want to place another responsibility in her hands, as well. I want to place the responsibility that should she ever have doubts, or feel like this might have been a mistake after all, that she will come to me and talk about it. I view the hope of reconciling our marriage as a sacred trust. It is no secret that I think we should have taken a different path, to preserve it, but it no longer serves us any purpose for me to push for this path unless she finds a way to be open to it. For me to hold the responsibility for this sacred trust will only cause me anguish, and it is absolutely essential -- to me, to her, to all of us -- for me to be relieved of this burden. And yet, I want to know that the possiblity of reconciliation will live somewhere. It may be unrealistic of me to want this, but I want her to understand that I value this hope as a sacred trust, and I want her to agree to take on the reponsibility of guarding it.
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dear epicurist - you have noted earlier that you would be relieved by the arrival at a decision and direction. so, now, amidst alot of uncertainties that still exist, you have a direction. i am really so so sorry that it is not the one you wanted. i hope you find some way to experience and process your feelings about this. i know you say you are uber-rational, but still, in the long run ignoring the loss and disappointment of this outcome won't be good for you. how one finds space for this with 3 kids, a job, and now the upheaval of separation and whatever it means for the day in day out details of your life, i don't know. but maybe sheila should do the heavy lifting on the many of the upheaval issues....after all, this is her choice. anyway, i am saying take care of yourself and your kids. those things are job 1. you don't mention if you will continue in your marriage counseling. i would imagine it could be helpful for a period of time until you have reached whatever emotional agreements you need to reach. your request that she pledge to hold the responsibility for coming to you if she re-evaluates is completely fair, understandable, and reasonable. if i were you, i'd want her to look me in the eye and make this commitment. you can't live with reconciliation hanging over you. you may have reflection and learning to do, and you will certainly have adjustment to a new identity, focus on your kids and what they are going through, and on your job. the sacred trust you refer to that you want her to hold seems applicable to reconciliation and also to any change in status she may want between you. please think about what you need within the new parameters of separation. she is getting what she wants and you do have to accept it as it sounds like you are, but that doesn't mean that you have to give over to all the rest of whatever needs she may present. ideally it will be a peaceful negotiation and series of agreements -- and in these, your needs count every bit as much as hers. a former colleague who was divorcing once said to me that is wasn't what he wanted, but it was for the best. i hope this turns out to be true for you as well. hang in there -- a trite thing to say, but as you seem to know, it's important to keep on keeping on.
Dear Cosmos-
Thank you again for your insights. We are definitely planning to continue with our couples therapist, regardless of whether Sheila agrees to see her own therapist or not. We have a ton to process, no matter what path we take, and I really like the person we have found.
I took the day off work today to reflect, sleep, do simple stuff around the house. Yeah, I need to give a lot of thought to what I want/need right now, both in general and in terms of the looming separation. Sheila is tasked by our therapist with exploring her needs, and I might as well do the same.
As you can see in subsequent posts to this 'Sacred Trust' post, I have decided that Sheila delving into her own serious therapy ought to be a precondition to any plans for divorce. Separation feels okay for me, since it will be relatively light-weight, and will probably offer the best 'space' for each of us to explore ourselves. We have a condo at our disposal nearby, so we can try out a swap thing. This will also give us a chance to get our feet wet in the reality of life apart, which may lead to some new realizations in both of us. I've never lived on my own in my entire life.
Okay, I'm off to get my act together for the day, run some errands, maybe go for a run and a hot tub. Got to take advantage of a day off, and live the moment.
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