Starting Monday night, and carrying over to Wednesday mid-day or so I felt the euphoria of having accepted our divorce, the relief of giving up the struggle. But by Wednesday night, a curious feeling started to creep in. The consequences of the decision started to surface again, and I looked into my heart again and realized that getting divorced was absurd. The euphoria was a short-term high from the relief of giving up the fight, but it was akin to making a pact with the devil. I realized that by selling my soul to this belief that divorce was the right path -- even a legitimate one -- I was trading in short term pleasure for long term pain. I realized there was going to be hell to pay (I know, sorry, but it was too tempting to milk this one).
Taking the necessary path -- the deep soul searching that both Sheila and I need to undergo, making the decision to re-commit to our marriage, challenging ourselves to face the mess we have in front of us -- is going to be a difficult struggle. But taking the easy path of walking away from this mess is hopelessly short-sighted. I know Sheila feeling there is no hope for us is an immense obstacle, but I'm no longer interested in rolling over and letting her have the final word on this when she hasn't done her due diligence. I was hoping that the door would be opened during our first couples therapy session, but that didn't happen. I need to be revisit this with more conviction next Monday. I need to make the case that although Sheila feels what she feels, she cannot honestly be sure of things until she has undergone a more rigorous analysis of what is contributing to those feelings. It will be a tough sell, but if I don't sell it, no one will.
Part of why I'm returning to this line of thinking is because of conversations I've had lately that made me realize I'm not alone in thinking Sheila may not be at the top of her game on this one. I also have come to understand more about the consequences of divorce, and in particular the consequences of destroying the wealth we have accumulated over the years. Throwing away our savings on this course of action means fewer options for the children down the road -- private schools and college, vacations and other travel, unforeseen medical costs, gifting to help them buy a first house, etc. We also make ourselves much more vulnerable to disaster in the event of an economic or medical emergency -- a serious injury or the loss of a job. Who knows what the future holds, but sapping our reserves is a boondoggle, no matter what the reason.
This is largely a rehashing of old stuff, but I need to do this type of brain dump periodically or else I'll burst.
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3 comments:
Wow, e., you have a lot going on in your emotional life. I was looking over your past posts, and I thought I would share a few things that struck me.
If Shiela is really dedicated to the idea of leaving you, then I don't think there's much you can do to change her mind. I get that way about some things, and it's only in retrospect that I'm able to see that it was a bad idea.
The not-having-a-daughter situation seems a little strange to me, like maybe she expected a daughter to fulfill her. If she feels there's something lacking within her, a daughter isn't likely to fix it.
Her need for emotional distance almost seems like a fear of intimacy, a feeling you know her too well.
If she's dissatisfied, it probably has more to do with her wishes, dreams, and fantasies than what's actually going on in your marriage. She's right in that life IS short, but also, regrets are long. Maybe she just needs a break, a little time to determine if reality matches what's in her head.
I hope the two of you can work it out, especially for your boys.
hey there epicurist, i'm trying to hang in there with the part that you have to say this or you'll burst...i get that. venting someplace other than to sheila is a good thing. but i am concerned about you getting worked up into a state where you think that somehow the righteousness of your cause outstrips the validity of HER perspective. you have mentioned some things about friends/advisors she has and i have to say they sound a little looney-tune to me. people who over-romanticize the true consequences here are a real problem. and who knows if sheila has thought through the real ugliness of what she proposes. but you absolutely can not be the one to attempts to hold her feet to the fire on this. imho, you'd be much much better off finding a friend(s) -- the more the better -- who sheila trusts and respects and who share some of what you advocate and see how they might participate in a dialogue with her. you are proceeding as if she has violated or is about to violate the terms of a legal contract and you can get her on some angle. while marriage IS, among other things, a legal contract, the law also has the well-worn path of divorce to break that contract, and the aspect of accountability which you are trying desparately to inject here is something about which the law is neutral. she may not pass yours or someone else's moral test, rational test, or any other kind of test, but she is saying she does not believe there is a future here which is a different plane of discussion altogether. i agree with the comment from j that there may be some desire on her part to avoid intimacy and it would be a blessing for all concerned if she wanted to take some time to examine how things have come to this, but you are not the person who can or should at this point prevail upon her to do this. i'd ask yourself if there isn't someone more neutral out there who she can see as an ally who can advocate for the values and ideas you hold.
as for the daughter she did not get to raise issue, j might be spot-on about it as a problemmatic fantasy. but whatever else it was, it was also the loss of a very deeply held desire for sheila. and it is essential that as her husband, he respond to this by addressing this loss with great attention, compassion, and care. and by his own description, epicurist avoided her feelings and didn't really take the loss she was grieving seriously. while he had thoughtful and careful reasons for rejecting the adoption prospect, that is a far cry from a comprehensive response from one's spouse to a significant emotional loss.
epicurist, it is reassuring to see you acknowlege that much of your post today is a rehash, but i hope you can avoid the understandable temptation to try to impose your terms of debate on sheila. get some rest and take care.
J.-
Thanks for taking the time to read, and post your insights. I've taken them to heart. I've come to accept that she is determined in her decision to get divorced, and that right or wrong I'm not going to be pursuade her otherwise.
I also think she does have intimacy and daughter fulfillment issues, but these are pretty deep and she needs to explore them with a serious psychotherapist. From our couples therapy sessions, she seems all but closed to the possibility of further analyzing them at the moment, so I'm not pushing it.
She is also adament that she is not unhappy any more. Indeed, she has never felt freer, more relieved of her burdens, and clear of vision, than she is right now. Arguing that she is deluding herself falls pretty flat, since only she can say what she is really feeling. I can't know, and have to take her at her word. In the end, the truth will show itself (I know, classic Liberal delusion).
What I do see is that I have clearly not met her expectations of how her mate should "understand" her and "meet her" emotionally. Whether these expectations are realistic is again somewhat academic right now, but I hope that someday she will question whether it was reasonable to expect me to "meet her" without offering me much help along the way. I hold myself responsible for not recognizing how important this was, and for not seeking help, but given how important this was to her, she would have helped us both by communicating this to me better. I think that while she sees things clearly now, at the time neither of us was fully aware of what was going on. That is part of why I wish she were more understanding now and open to trying to address this. But alas, no. Or at least, not at the moment...
Anyway, thanks for your support and thoughtfulness. I appreciate it.
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