When Bill Clinton was being investigated for Whitewater and then the Lewinsky scandal, the crux issue became whether or not he perjured himself in front of a grand jury. If you consider only that point, then the issue is clear. But if you look at it in the context of a right-wing witch hunt, then he comes across as more of a victim than a criminal.
Similarly, if Sheila looks only at the question of whether she feels the love, or sees any prospect of ever again feeling the love, then the decision to call it quits boils down to a yes or a now answer to this question. But if we consider the larger context -- not just the "small civilization" that surrounds us, from our marriage to our family, the boys, the dog, the cat, our house, our finances and the million joint accounts we hold, our social life amongst other intact families and couples-oriented events, our extended families, our belongings, our memories, but also the newly understood context in which our dysfunction grew (see http://theepicurist.blogspot.com/2008/01/path-to-new-beginning.html) -- then that original question becomes far less central.
We live, at least in part, in support of this "small civilization," and we have a tremendous infrastructure poised to collapse if we abandon it. We also have dysfunction in our midst, and while it feels at the moment like that is the only thing that matters, it is difficult for me to imagine that this is something that cannot be addressed and improved upon. Sheila's singular focus on this dysfunction between us -- turning it in her mind into something far deeper than it has to be -- seems simply unbalanced. It is this point that I hope she can come to see while we are in couples therapy.
I don't expect Sheila to fall in love with me right away. If she is able to make any effort to see things in a different way than she does now, I expect it will begin by unearthing the true nature of our dysfunction, to see it for the patchwork of mistakes that we both made, and failed to correct, over our entire marriage. These mistakes could have been avoided, or mitigated, with help. And if we want to -- if we believe the cause is great enough to expend the energy -- we could not only understand all that went wrong, but find ways to avoid these traps in our life together ahead. This step is a necessary precursor to any chance of falling in love again, but it is entirely attainable if the will is there.
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2 comments:
dear epicurist-you are certainly in a tough spot. getting help from a good therapist as you indicate you are is essential. you are doing quite alot of thinking and strategizing and that may be fine to vent here with that approach. if i were in your shoes i'd be doing that too, and it wouldn't necessarily be such a good thing, and i have to wonder whether it is really serving you and what you ultimately say you want. it sounds like with sheila what you need to be doing is listening and hanging in there and being curious about her feelings and her needs--not because it's a way to get her to stay with you and the marriage, but because you genuinely want to relate to her that way (assuming you do). she may be expecting you to anticipate her needs or solve things for her in a way that no one can really do for another person, based on what you report of her chronic but silent discontent for so long, but a good therapist will help call that out as you spend time and effort listening and getting into a space where you are more interested and willing to just be where she is and reflect on your role in creating what has come to pass. difficult as it is, you'd do better to avoid focusing on outcomes or convincing her of anything at this point. treating her loss of hope/interest in working on things as if it is beside the point, or not the important issue(s) to contend with is dismissive and will only serve to drive her away further. of course your concerns about your family, children, and community are tremendously important, but her withdrawl of interest and belief in a future together is at the heart of what is happening. it may not be fun for you to hear about that, and if she's honest it won't all be about you (though alot of it might be), but you have to be genuinely willing to want to understand where she is and how she got here. good luck.
Dear Cosmos-
Many thanks for offering these rockin and astute comments. I really appreciate them. Amazingly (or not), with the help of our couples therapist and an individual therapist (whom I first met with this morning) and conversations with invaluable friends, I have been arriving at remarkably similar positions to the ones you are taking here, so this is nice confirmation. Specifically, my individual therapist called out this morning my need to be still and listen to Sheila, noting that my style of habitually dictating the terms of our conversations has served, sadly, to push her away and make her feel unmet/misunderstood. My impatience, my reaction to being in the first real crisis in my life, has for too long gotten the better of me. And you're right -- sitting with her, finding a way that is comfortable for both of us, is an essential thing to do because I really do want to relate to her, and I should not tie this in any way to an agenda. It is necessary for me to put any thoughts of an agenda aside now, and let my interactions with her take this open style, free from any attempts to convert her or guilt-trip her or anything else, since such efforts are clearly causing further damage.
Bottom line here, though, is that I hear you. Listening, and being curious about her feelings without prying, trying to find a comfortable "distance" to sit with her where we both feel comfortable with each other. And without an agenda. This is where I want to be, and already I have started to attune myself to this style.
I know that a lot (not all) of what I'm writing is basically ranting, but it's part of a process that feels necessary for me. Getting bad ideas off my chest and putting them on (virtual) paper feels like it's serving a purpose, too, even if just so I can look at them and say, "No, that's not right/honest/true/fair."
I haven't blogged this yet, but we have news: We decided, formally, last night, to separate. This is a momentous time for me, as you can imagine. What changed in my attitude since yesterday is that I finally accepted that she wants out, and that right or wrong, that isn't going to change. I'm giving up the fight, absolving my role as "guardian of our marriage," and acquiescing to the reality that that's where things are going. I'm finding it possible to actually go with this, to embrace this new direction, in spite of my misgivings. I have always known that I would find relief in the knowing, the acceptance, of whatever path we chose, and I'm really starting to feel it. I'm not kidding myself that the worst is behind me, but I am honestly finding relief in giving up the struggle. And because I'm a hyper-rational guy, I seem to be able to get on board with the fact that since this is the reality that I face, it's better for everyone for me to be aligned with it than fighting it.
So, my work continues -- it really is just beginning -- and my understanding deepens. Again, I appreciate your taking the time to read about my plight and offer solid, constructive advice.
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