So the pressing question of the moment is now, what to do? We need to come up with a concrete separation plan so that we can finally talk to the kids about all this.
Just yesterday I composed a long post about one direction, but we spoke again last night and I realized that plan wasn't going to fly, so it's already obsolete. The main needs we need to satisfy are:
- Sheila needs to have physical and emotional space of her own, so she can get on with her life apart from me
- We don't want to go bankrupt buying another house, but we may have to buy or rent something
- Sheila's parents have a largely unused condo nearby that we can use for the next year or so
- We could add onto our existing house -- either another bedroom, or possibly a small in-law unit (BR/LR/BA, but no kitchen). In this case, we would still share meals together and be like roommates, which at first sounded okay, but on further consideration Sheila thought that would feel too close
- Although neither of us plans to start seriously dating anytime soon, inevitably we will, and we will need our own spaces to make that work
- We want to keep the boys in the family house for as long as possible
- We both want 50/50 access to the kids, minimum. No way does either of us want to be a weekend parent -- it would be too easy to lose touch with the kids.
- We want to stall the legal divorce as long as we can, to avoid the financial/legal issues that accompany that step
So, lots to consider. We both need to balance access to the kids with our own privacy needs. Timeframe-wise, in 10 years our youngest will be out of the house (presumably), but we would like to keep the family house at least until then. In the nearer term I want to spend most of my time on myself, and with the kids.
My therapist proposed a straight 50/50 split, the "nesting model", whereby each of us stays alone in the house with the kids for half of the week while the other is in the condo, and then we switch. At first Sheila didn't like that, since it would be a such a radical change, but I think it's the best plan and expect she will warm up to it. We could ease into it over the course of a few weeks, with each of us spending a night or two a week up there, and then eventually settle into the full-on separation mode. It's not that I don't want to be around Sheila, but I don't want to aggravate things any further, and I want to meet her on her needs. The only way Sheila will ever be able to take a fresh look at our situation is if she is finally in a peaceful place, without the feeling that I am sitting on top of her or pursuing her. Although I am careful to keep things very platonic and unobtrusive, she clearly needs to establish herself in a new routine, with me out of her day-to-day life.
For my part, once the dust settles a little, I am going to want some time to myself, too. I need to get my head back into work, and into the work of knowing myself better with the help of my therapist. In many ways Sheila has done me a huge favor by forcing us apart. I am starting to see myself as an individual for the first time in a long time. For ages I have really defined myself as a husband and a father, and while I've been self-indulgent about my immediate needs and desires, I haven't given any serious thought to what I want from my life, much less how I should go about getting it. Stuff of another post.
4 comments:
Well, e., it's good that you have a space that you can use while disentangling your lives, I know how pricey California real estate is, whether you're buying or renting. My hope for both of you would be that some space and a chance to grow as individuals would lead you back together, but that might not be realistic. At least you're both dedicated to your sons, that's heartwarming to hear.
I was wondering, if Sheila didn't think the two of you were a good match from the beginning, why did you get married? Was she hoping things would work out? Or maybe her biological clock ticking? Just something that's bothered me.
j.-
Good questions, and I should have the answers at my fingertips. The fact that I don't indicates that we haven't really talked through a lot of important questions. When we married, she was 30 and I was 27. Her bio clock was starting to tick in her mind, but that wasn't a huge factor, I think. We had an easy, social, courtship for a couple of years. A little rocky, but we worked through some things and sort of got on a train ride together that took us from moving in together (for only 3 months) to getting kittens, to buying a house together, to getting married. It kind of hit me by surprise, and I never really proposed to her. We were just sitting on the couch of our soon-to-be-new-house and the subject came up. We decided that naturally we would get married.
Sheila says now that she had reservations early on, even before the wedding, but that she sat on them. All to do with intimacy -- a certain connection was missing for her, and she didn't really feel understood. I was only vaguely aware of these things, and have very little recollection now of what I was feeling back then, but that would have been a perfect time for us to sort through the issues she saw. We're both smart, passionate people who could have put our energies into learning from each other, but sadly that never happened.
While I really want (or wanted) to revisit a lot of the past, Sheila doesn't seem to want to anymore. She has moved on, emotionally, and is not that interested in what went wrong. She just knows that things did go wrong, and that she's done with it, regardless of whether there is unfinished business to examine. This is very hard for me, since deep down I feel like the examination process could turn up all kinds of things that would lead her to look at me differently, but in our couples sessions she is completely disinterested in going there. Not much I can do other than to accept my fate and move on myself. Or at least go through the motions of moving on. That tension will probably be with me for awhile -- knowing I should be doing just the opposite of what my heart tells me to do. My mind, at least, tells me it's the only way forward for right now. I'm being shown the door, and for me to refuse to go through it will inevitably make me seem, and feel, petty and foolish.
But back to your original question, between you and me (and Cosmos and anyone else out in cyber-land), I actually do think we are well suited for each other. We just never found the way to uncover the millions of ways we could connect. I know I may be wrong, but for the sake of the boys I sure wish we had once in our lives taken the time to explore this possibility and find out. That's the thing I have the hardest time forgiving Sheila for.
We're not divorced yet, though, and who knows, maybe this imminent separation will lead to some new understandings, for both of us? I have many personal paths forward right now, beginning with how much I explore myself, and my relationship with the boys. There's a lot to work on there, and with some truly wonderful and exciting possibilities for new connection and discovery. Will these possibilities materialize, and if so, will Sheila take the time to notice that I've grown from who I was before? Only time will tell.
And j., the other thing I didn't even mention is that I suspect there is a lot of revisionism being applied to our marital history. For the bulk of our marriage we have gotten along well, had a rich social and family life with each other and the kids, and gone to bed each night comfortable with each other. As far as I can tell, the problems surfaced visibly around 5 years ago, which coincided with our struggles, and ultimate disagreement, over the adoption. We're all chemical beings, and you take a serious sadness over an unmet dream (and yes, that's a whole 'nother topic), and throw in a whole lot of shifting pre-menopausal hormones, and you get markedly bitter stew. Sometimes I think I'm best off just shaking my head and drawling, in a friendly, sincere way like Nicolas Cage in Raising Arizona way, "Honey, whatever you want." Let time be my friend, and take things as they come.
On the inside, I am looking hard at whether or not we could find happiness together, and I think it boils down to whether there is the will to try. Sheila looks at me now and thinks (and says) there is no chance for us, so there is no point in even trying. Her heart is visibly hardening, too, each day, no matter what I do. Separation, and space, are becoming an absolute necessity.
"Honey, I want you to have whatever you want."
Anyway, that's the attitude I'm taking into our couples session this afternoon...
epicurist - i'm stuck in a back and forth here about whether to mourn and encourage any of your tendencies to do so, or in the other direction to simply recognize the writing on the wall and move into the next phase of all of this and your life and the lives of your boys. i really admire your strength and perspective in facing and living into what is, when it is so opposite from what every fiber within you says is best. that is such a tough road to travel. there is a twisted paradox/brain teaser in the notion that doing the wrong thing is actually the right thing. an emotionally painful and intellectually challenging place. i wish you as much peace as you can get in this process.
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