A Bit More on All This

(Taken from an email sent to a friend on Dec. 5, 2007)

Part of what gives me hope here is that a lot of the fundamentals in our relationship are sound. There is no abuse, no neglect (at least not now), no significant financial or parenting issues, no alcohol or drug problems, no annoying behavior or other turn-offs. I think that what Sheila is feeling is the result of old issues that were never resolved. For many years in our relationship I was disengaged, and she developed a deep sense of loneliness, which led to bitterness, and finally to numbness. I believe that this baggage is what's preventing her from warming up to me now. I think it's what prevents us from feeling at ease around each other. Should she really have a chance to separate herself from our marriage, she may be able to finally get past that baggage and see things as they currently are. That is an essential part of this process, and it's what has been missing thus far. From what I can tell, our day to day situation really is only bad because of the awkwardness and distance between us. It's her heart that is stopping her from warming to me right now, and not her head.

In the summer of 2005, when I "woke up" to our marriage crisis, Sheila was feeling pretty much the same way as she is now. Back then she considered separating, but fear of the consequences of that change are what prevented her from acting. Since that time she has continued to think about all of this, of course, and has looked to see whether her feelings for me have grown. They haven't, but I think this is partly because our relationship patterns didn't change during that time, and so a lot of the root causes of her unhappiness -- feeling stifled, feeling bitter towards me -- did not have a chance to get resolved. What has changed recently is her inner resolve to finally move on. She feels more courage now to face the consequences of a separation, partly because she believes her feelings for me will never return, and because she thinks she is now mentally prepared to move apart from me and from our former life together.

My hope and belief is that she has started down a new path towards freedom at last. Freedom to make her own decisions about everything.