Searching for the Soul of my Wife

So Sheila and I had a good talk last night. In a fairly easy-going way I managed to lay out a lot of the ideas I've been mulling in this blog. We talked about our options and the upsides/downsides of each, for us and for the kids. In particular, we discussed the option of staying together and finding ways to work towards our own happinesses (which she redefined for herself as passion, contentment, and being understood). Her fear is that time is running out for her to move on to something else. At 47, she's approaching retirement at work, and she will need to consider her income, and since I currently bring in the lion's share of the family income, she needs to start planning now if she's going to be on her own. I brought up the reality that she would probably need to find some sugar daddy to marry. I of course followed that up by pointing out that that may not be the loving relationship she dreams of, so what is she gaining? Low blow, yes. But it had to be said. Her response was there are a lots of reasons why people marry, depending on their current needs. True, but that's not a very hearty response in this case. I let the issue sit.

Earlier I had observed that she is acting as though divorce is a fait
accompli, and she affirmed this, but after this last comment she took
it upon herself to say that she isn't 100% certain about anything.
She didn't have to volunteer that, and it was noteworthy. I'm looking
for any toehold in the door. I just don't want to be too eager, and I
need to be careful not to use scare tactics or other lame strategies
that are beneath me (like the above comment).

From there the conversation went to what could make us happy together. She said she felt I never really "got" her -- never really understood her. I agreed that for the bulk of our marriage I have been really lame in this area. My 7-ness -- my exhuberant self-absorption -- have made it difficult for me to connect with people in general -- her and the kids at times. I said I have been doing a lot of thinking on this topic lately, and feel like I'm finally starting to wake up. I pointed out that I have really started to observe her likes and dislikes lately, and offered her a picture of herself. I observed that she really likes her comfort, her quiet time alone, and her privacy. She does not like to be smothered; she likes to keep a little distance between herself and the outside world. This is probably due to some trust issues during childhood or early adulthood. She is shy on the inside, but has always (since early childhood) managed to project a supreme confidence that can be really impressive, even intimidating. But for her, it's a defense. An affected aloofness to avoid having to take the stage and expose herself. As an aside, I'm almost the complete opposite of this. I'm an extrovert who doesn't mind getting up on stage and making a complete ass of myself. Not that I try to do this, of course. I just don't mind wearing my heart on my sleeve and trying my damnedest to do something under the lights. It's a challenge and an adventure, and I don't get embarrassed easily by the consequences should my abilities not work out. My behavior sometimes can be borderline mortifying for her, and that has led her to feel uncomfortable around me, especially in public, and at parties. I never really got this until now.

But there's another side to her, too -- the one she at last feels like she needs to explore. She's a deep romantic, in a private way, and yearns for passion. This one is more difficult for me to uncover, and most sadly I don't think I've been very good at inspiring this side of her. It's not necessarily passionate embraces -- physical intimacy -- that she's seeking, though there is some of that. It's a passion that comes from doing what you want, taking your freedom and putting your energies into something full and meaningful, and special to you. Carpe Diem. For her this was raising a daughter, but that dream is now gone, and she is searching for something else. In our talk last night I mentioned that I want us both to pursue our passions, uninhibited by our marriage, but ideally without breaking the marriage. I said that I, too, am finally seeing the importance of living life to the fullest. I just don't see the need to break apart our family to achieve our deepest longings. At least, I think we can achieve most of what we are looking for without sacrificing our family and our children in the process. That's been my consistent message all during this time, and I think it was to that point that she made the comment that she's not 100% sure of anything.