Background on our situation

(Taken from an email sent to a friend on Dec. 6, 2007)

So, looking back over the past few years and attempting to summarize, I would say that Sheila has known for the past 5 years, if not more, that she was not really in love with me. She hasn't seen me as a lover in quite some time. For the sake of the family she decided to stay in the marriage and accept that she might never feel passion and intimacy again, and she had been pretty much resigned to this for many years. What changed is that I "woke up", in July 2005. Something spurred me from my slumber, and it was the sudden realization that she could be happy, animated, and playful around other people, in a way that she never was around me. That realization was totally shocking, and I have no idea why it took me so long to realize it, but it did. Something in my brain hadn't developed until that moment, and I suddenly reached a new stage of development (hooray!).

So, at that point in time Sheila was in a marriage that met many of her day to day needs -- support system for her children, financial security, civil interaction with her partner, etc. -- but she didn't feel connected to her partner and the relationship was of course lacking in passion. When I confronted her and told her I suddenly saw us in crisis, this was jarring to her, and shook her out of this quasi-contented state of being. At that point she wasn't looking for change, and during the intervening years since then, she has been the advocate for the "path of acceptance" while I have been pushing the "path of change." As time went on and I kept pushing this issue, it forced her to realize that things really couldn't go on as they were, and that, if nothing else, it was going to be a royal pain to live with me while I kept pointing out the glaring flaws in our relationship. Most recently, as in the past couple of weeks, she met again with her old therapist, and came away with a newfound strength to make the hard decision to break away from our holding pattern. That was courageous, and although the implications are that our marriage, and our family, are probably going to break apart, I fully support her in attempting to move things forward in our lives. I, too, have been torn between wanting things to get better and just stay the same, and I think we both saw that things could go on forever in an uncomfortable state. The best chance for happiness in our lives (and possibly, though I'm far from convinced of this, in the kids' lives), was for us to explore life apart from each other. What new understandings and realizations that will bring for both of us is anyone's guess, but of course I'm trying to guess.

It's very likely that Sheila will at last feel the freedom that each of us must feel in order to be healthy and sane. This freedom will open up all kinds of doors in her life that she didn't know existed, or which she hadn't explored in a long while or ever. I don't know how much pent-up desire or needs she has, but I've got to figure there are some there, and it's likely they will involve exploring new relationships. These relationships may work out, they may not, and she may start running with a new crowd all her own. What I could hope for out of this is that she might come full circle to seeing me again as a potential mate. My work during this time is to get my head screwed on right, and then figure out what I can do to make myself attractive to her. I'm sure it's not rocket science, but there are probably a zillion charlatans ready to sell you their books on the topic. My job is to sort through the chaff and find out what I can. If you have come across any such things in your work, or if you know anyone who would have some ideas on this, I'm all ears.

Seeing her explore new relationships is really hard for me to imagine right now, but a big part of my own work is also to come to terms with this or else I will continue to hold attachments to her. These attachments can be crippling, I think, and so I will probably need to find some help in working this through. And I know I need to let go, because it's only when she is truly free that there is any chance for her to turn her gaze to me without feeling all of the baggage that is there now. What's more, I'm going to be a lot easier to approach if I'm not already in love with her.

I also need to free myself from attachment to her because it can only bring pain, and prevent me from achieving my potential as a person, lover, father, friend, contributor to society, you name it.

On a side note, I have been exchanging email with Carlos in Barcelona, and we're moving ahead with the plans we hatched last summer to do a house swap with his brother Luis' family. I mentioned to Sheila this morning that Carlos and I had finally exchanged email on this (the ball was long in my court to initiate the discussion, and I finally got to it last week), and asked if she would still like to do this. She said yes, but then asked whether I wanted to do it. I said I thought it would be a good thing to do regardless of our situation at that time, and she agreed. So, should this pass, it will be an interesting situation to put ourselves in. Who knows what will be going on with us next summer, but I think we are both planning on staying in each other's life, at least as far as the kids are concerned. It seems plausible to me that we continue to live together, but with the now clear understanding that it's as friends and partners, not as husband and wife. That's where we are today, and I would prefer to try this out for awhile because I'm really not excited about getting an apartment that we could alternate staying in, while the other was at the house. Of course, it would be interesting to have a bachelor pad, but it would still be only a poor substitute for having my wife back. It might help me get my mind off of her, though, and that couldn't be all bad. Nothing like a little sexual healing.

Okay, on that note, I'm back to work. Ciao, bello.