As we brace ourselves for couple's therapy beginning after the New Year (I'm going to cancel our appt for Monday, since I want some more time for us both to sit with things before we jump into what may further gel Sheila's current convictions), some thoughts are swirling around in my head about what things might look like should we decide to change things.
For starters, there are many other options between doing nothing and separating (which I am assuming implies an eventual divorce). We could take a harder look at what we want in our lives right now, and see if there is a way to address them without separating.
For instance, Sheila and I have very different intimacy needs, and so we could look for a compromise, where I put less or no pressure on her, she doesn't feel me hovering over her at night, and maybe I find a way to meet my needs outside of our marriage.
For another, I could really work on stepping up to proactively bring things into our family and our marriage. Be more of a leader than a follower. I feel like I am primed to make this type of behavioral change. This is very different from saying I'm going to change who I am -- it really means I'm going to explore new aspects of who I am.
Kind of like Scrooge in A Christmas Tale, who sees the light and turns
a new leaf.
There are other things we can work on, but the point here is to focus
on behavioral changes instead of on how to get Sheila to fall in love
with me again. Don't try to address the symptom; focus on the cause.
If she happens to fall in love with me again, it will likely happen as
a side-effect of something else. I don't think anything can influence
it directly. And it goes without saying, though I'll say it anyway,
that preserving our marriage, and keeping our family intact, should
motivate us to try this kind of thing out.
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