Sheila and I had a calm but unambiguous talk last night. I had sent her email asking if she could commit to our marriage, and she hadn't replied. After dinner the boys cleared out to go do homework and stuff, and we remained at the table. I asked if she got my email (knowing she had), and she looked down and a little sad and said"Yes." I knew right away the answer, and told her so, and she nodded sadly. Silence as this sunk in. I said it was funny, I was looking at the journals I had been keeping in early 2006, and I had apparently asked her the exact question twice before. Her response at that time was, "I'm still here", and then later, "I don't know". Now she knows.
This is a very sad time. The crux of the issue for her is she
believes we are not meant for each other. When I gently press her on
this, she cannot explain, other than to say it's a chemistry thing
that really can't be explained. I only half agree with her, and tell
her that the problem for me is I don't trust that she's right about
that. I think there are steps couples can take to bring them
together, to find compatibility, love, harmony. I don't know what
those steps are, but I believe there are professional marriage
counselors who may be doing this all the time. This is my final hope
for us.
She is willing to go to counseling. She doesn't think it's going to
change the way she feels about me, but it might help both of us
understand each other's position better, and help with the process of
moving on. Well, I don't hold out expectations for coming together,
but I'm not prepared to let go of my hope.
Interestingly, after our talk, which was very amicable and even
loving, I felt more at ease about things. I think the ambiguity of
our situation is what has been most difficult to deal with, and any
sort of clarity brings me calmness. I found myself jumping to what's
next, and imagining what life will be like, trying to view it from the
perspective of, "Hey, this is going to be my new life. I'm the same
guy I was, and things are going to be different, but they don't have
to be all bad." Sheila said she wants us to have dinner together
every night, and largely keep things the way they are now. Seems like
a mini fantasy, but who knows, it could work. We have her parents'
condo, 5 minutes away, that sits empty most of the time. After
putting the boys to bed, one of us would then head up there, and
return in the morning to do carpooling duties, etc. The house still
needs to be maintained, and there will always be theatre and sports
activities projects with the kids on weekends and after school. The
main difference is we won't be sharing a room together at night.
At least that might be our intermediate term arrangement. Short term, meaning starting right now (and assuming marriage counseling does not guide us to a path of reconciliation), things are pretty much unchanged. We even talked about "marriage with benefits" as a possibility, once it's safe that I won't be getting the wrong idea and misinterpreting it as anything more than casual sex. Hey, at the core, I'm really just a horn dogger, so I'll take whatever I can get.
We talked again about what's next longer term. I said there's really
no way I'm living the rest of my life as a single guy, so inevitably
I'm going to remarry. Nothing surprising there. Sheila doesn't think
she will; she can foresee herself happily unmarried for the rest of
her life. She even said she questions whether she is suited to
marriage. Hmm.
One of my very best friends called yesterday after I tipped him off via email that things were going South fast, and he had some really helpful words about the unexpected upsides of shared parenting. Drawing from the experiences of a mutual close friend, he pointed out that when you have a 50/50 arrangement, you get your kids full on when it's your turn, and then you get 100% your own time when they're with their mom. There are some really nice benefits of this, and the reality is there hasn't exactly been much added benefit from doing stuff as a family, since Sheila and I don't lovingly interact in frontof them anymore. Family trips have been a lot of going through the motions, lacking inspiration. It will be really interesting to see if the passion and inspiration that lie dormant in both Sheila and me can now find a way to surface. I had always hoped that would happen once we started to turn the corner in our relationship. I still do, even though it seems naive now for me to continue carrying the torch. Anyway, one way or another, I hope that this passion and inspiration can return now to our lives.
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