Stress

I am completely preoccupied with my marriage crisis, and I need to get out of this mode. I need to focus on just myself right now, because things are probably going to get a lot worse before they get any better.

I am completely incapacitated at work -- I have no room in my head for any other thoughts, and I am immensely distractable. Writing is one of the few outlets for my thoughts, and it really helps me gain clarity.

I have so many thoughts about our -- my -- crisis that I need to process. Here are a few more:

My biggest problem right now is I don't want to let go. I don't want to let go because I don't know if I should or not. Letting go might mean letting our marriage slip away when it could be saved. On the other hand, if I knew that it couldn't be saved, letting go is the only way I can gain my sanity. So it really boils down to this: I want to know if our marriage can be saved. Once I know the answer to that, I will know what to do. Unfortunately, there is no absolute answer. I could put odds on the answer, but it will always boil down to a maybe until we both reach consensus on it. And right now we're at opposite ends of the field.

This is an important point, though. I may never decide I want out of the marriage, but I may reach a point where I recognize that it is futile to keep trying. Should we reach that point, things will get easier because my need to let go will be clear.

Sheila is acting like she's already moved on. She manages herself now as an individual. After last weekend's parties, which were planned ages ago, she has made no more plans that involve just the two of us, and she is scheduling things for me to do with the boys. She is already making the transition to becoming a single mom, making accommodations for a separated dad, and loosening any reliance or dependencies on me. She seems very calm and efficient about this, and I sense that she is feeling much more at peace with herself these days. She is no longer making any pretension or effort to act like a couple with me, either privately or in public. We still sleep in the same bed at night, but we're essentially separated already.

What on Earth is she thinking? I was just reading a bunch of articles about the impact of divorce on kids, and I can't fathom why she would want to subject our kids to this. Evidently she sees a larger plan, and believes the kids will come out of this just fine, or possibly even better than they are faring right now with two disconnected parents. Of course, if we could find a way to reconnect, things would be much better for the kids, a lot better for Sheila and me, and a hell of a lot better for all of us than getting a divorce.

So, what can I do to reduce my stress? Marriage counseling doesn't start for another three weeks, so I'll need to do something to get by. It doesn't do me any good to be stressed right now -- it certainly won't help me heal our marriage in any way. I can continue to spew my thoughts to this blog, or I can find something else to do. I'm just not in a good state of mind right now to go off and join a group or get involved in a big project. At least I'm getting together with friends a lot, over poker, movies, lunch. That's a lot better than crawling under a log, which is what I feel like doing. Still, I need a three week plan. I'll give this some thought for my next post.