Last night we went to bed together, and after about an hour of tossing
and turning over tortured thoughts, things just welled up inside me
and I started talking to Sheila, loudly enough to wake her. I think
I've only ever done this once or twice before in my life (naturally,
it was within the past couple of years). I said I decided it wasn't me
who should move out, it was her. If life was such hell living with me,
then she out to just take off and move into an apartment. Screw
marriage counseling if she is so certain it is not going to help our
marriage. I wanted to stay in the house with the boys. She woke up
from all this, and in her groggy stupor said I was nuts. She didn't
want either of us to move out, and what's more, life isn't hell for
her at all.
Go figure.
Earlier that evening, she said she was of course fully aware of all the consequences of our splitting up, and yet it was still worth it to her. When I reminded her of these comments, she said she could explain, but not just right then and there, in the middle of the night. Still, I wouldn't let it rest just yet. When we talked earlier yesterday about going to a marriage counselor, she said she was willing to go, because it might help both of us understand why we were making whatever decision we ended up making. Which, of course, means splitting up, at least in her mind, I said. She said she isn't sure that we're done just yet, and she keeps telling me that but I don't seem to be listening.
Anyway, that put my mind at ease just enough, so I slept like a baby
for the rest of the night. This morning she said she understands my
frustration, but ruining her night and leaving her exhausted starting
off a new week was not setting things in a positive direction. Point
taken.
Sometimes when things seem to boil over inside my head, it strikes me that my best path here is to just take it easy and let things progress at their own pace. Is that generally true, or is there some value in a genuine outburst every now in then? My gut tells me it's a good thing to not always keep this stuff in; you have to call bullshit sometimes, when things are just plum out of whack. On the flip side, if she really is trying to make a decision inside her head about whether to stay or go, my behavior might be tipping the scales. She says she has lived with me for 18 years, and has a pretty good idea about who I am, and that's what she's basing her decision on, so she's really not reacting to me any more. Great. So I'm doomed for stuff that happened ages ago, and nothing I can do now can help the situation. Nice little spot I've gotten myself into.
Is it me, or does everyone else her see the obvious parallel between our marriage and George W pounding the drumbeat to war with Iraq? Bush, with the help of Rummie pounding on the drums too, trumped up all kinds of crap to pursuade the sheep around him to go to war with Iraq. He had it in his head that that was what he wanted to do, the truth and the rest of the world be damned. Similarly, Sheila has it in her head that she wants to split up with me, despite the lack of much of a reason other then an internal conviction. She has her therapist and the legion of the Ya Ya Sisterhood of single moms (well, one, anyway) drumming right along with her, "excited" about her prospect for finally turning the page on this awful chapter and getting on with her real life. The "small civilization" that is most impacted by her decision is waving its hands and shouting "NO!" (well, I am anyway), but we don't figure in her marching plans. Her plan is set in motion, and ain't nobody going to get in her way.
Did I mention today just how much in love with her I am? I know I'm
sitting here railing on her, and it's easy to forget this salient,
overriding, inescapable truth. I'm just madder than hell at her right
now.
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