Absolution

(Taken from an email sent to a friend on Dec. 5, 2007)

Well, it finally happened. We absolved the bonds of our marriage last night. We had probably the most open, honest conversation we've ever had, and Sheila said the biggest thing she needs right now is to truly have her freedom. I couldn't see any other way than to agree to call it quits, to release her from all constraints, wifely duties, pressures, obligations, and most importantly, expectations.

So, we'll decide at some point whether this means formally separating, getting separate places, divorce, etc., but for now, it means we are just free to be ourselves, with no attachments to each other. We're still parents to our kids, of course, and we may choose to continue to have dinner parties together, do family things together, etc., but there are no expectations in this regard and I'm taking nothing for granted.

Right now I want Sheila to get outside our marriage, let her catch her breath, feel her freedom, recapture her sense of self as an individual. For way too long she has felt only pain and pressure in our marriage, and that has fully prevented her from feeling anything positive about it, or me. Only when she has been on the outside for awhile can she have any reasonable perspective on our marriage. Sheila evidently is not looking for greener pastures -- indeed, she says she has hardly thought about "what's next" -- she just knows she has to get out from under this weight, and away from this pain.

How do I feel? When I am able to set aside for a moment the crushing feeling of abject failure, I admit I am pleased that we are finally taking some action to effect change. Trying like we have for the past 2 1/2 years (for me, that is; for Sheila it's been a lot longer than that) to maintain the status quo just wasn't working for either of us. Sheila was feeling an increasing need to "escape" from me, spending more and more time with her girlfriends, anything to avoid the pain and burden she felt when she was around me. It is conceivable that once she is able to look more clearly at me and our marriage, from the outside, she may decide it is what she wants after all. (After all, I'm pretty decent husband material, and I think I can go head-to-head with any other guy out there.) I can't deny that my eternal optimism tells me this all might lead to an actual reconciliation in our marriage, but I'm very definitely trying not to put that burden on either of us right now. It feels right to just let this thing float for now, in a zen-like way, consciously and deliberately free from attachment. After awhile, should things start to feel lighter between us, we may decide to see a marriage counselor, but for now I want this completely off the table.

So there you have it. It's up to the fates now. I'm doing okay, and I'm trying to focus my energies on work, and on the boys.