Decoupling

I'm pretty quickly coming to terms with the fact that we are decoupling, becoming independent of each other. This has been painfully difficult for me, to start to see myself as a completely independent being, separate from my wife and our marriage. Kind of like a child going through adolescence, becoming independent of his parents and experiencing the thrills of freedom but also the frightening responsibilities of being on one's own. Sheila has been pushing me in this direction for a long while now, gently but firmly. Just this weekend I took the kids to a Sharks game, and then yesterday the boys and I went to HMB and together cut down a Christmas tree. Sheila was off by herself at a choir concert during the game, and then at the ballet with her mom and sister for the tree cutting. Girl time. Separate lives now, separate worlds.

So, I get it: I now know what Sheila wants. She sees clearly that we each get one shot at life, and there's no reason to waste it hitched to someone you don't want to be with. At 47 (3 1/2 years older than me), she's looking at her life and deciding its time to make it better. Having lived with me for the last 18 years, she knows me well enough to know I'm not going to make her happy. She doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with me, and that's just the reality of it. In couples' therapy next month I'm going to challenge her beliefs here: challenge her belief that we can't find ways to be happy together, since we have never really tried to to this under counseling; and challenge the need to separate when we could explore our worlds independently while leaving the family intact for the kids. The needs she feels now may be very different from the ones she will have 10 years from now, and divorce leaves little chance that we will want to get together again once it's final.

But she's a smart girl and has given a whole lot of thought to the decision she's making. I'm preparing myself for the divorce, and the aftermath, and although every ounce of my body screams "NO!", I'm going to keep a level head about me and go through with the proceedings with civility, love, and tenderness. Because now it's all about the kids. There are things we can do to make this more or less traumatic for them, and there is absolutely no justification for making this any worse than it has to be. Although I have only come to realize this belatedly, Sheila will always be my one love. Sadly, I'm not the one for her.

The fascinating thing is I am now coming to terms with my own independence. It's a comfortable world living in a marriage, and comfort breeds complacency, which can lead to laziness and taking things for granted. I am beginning to see myself as an individual, with no one else but me responsible for my survival, well-being, happiness, comfort, inspiration, passion, and motivation. I will no longer be looking to Sheila to satisfy any of these things. The boys will always be a big part of my life, and I am already finding myself spending more relaxed time with them, getting to know them better, listening to them, playing with them, thinking of fun and interesting things to inject into our lives together. This is my new life. I may end up meeting someone new, but I don't view that with the same urgency I felt even a few weeks ago when I began to seriously consider that I would find myself on my own. That's a good thing. I have a lot of things to think about and practice, on my own, for now. It also struck me that I have never, in my entire life, lived alone. I always had roommates in prep school and college, and in SF right out of college. Then Sheila and I got a place together, got kittens, and bought a house together. Our first of five. We have always done houses, and kids, well together.

At some point, perhaps in couples' therapy, I want to find out: what has been the strongest, most significant reason Sheila can point to to say why she wants to leave me? I won't be surprised if it's my dependence on her. Some women might like that, I suppose, but Sheila is far too independent to find that appealing. If only someone had clued me in ages ago...

Interestingly, I didn't used to feel emotionally dependent on her at all. I certainly took her for granted, and that was the root of a lot of her unhappiness, but I didn't feel emotionally dependent on her, or even attached to her, until recent years. That's perhaps when things started to go downhill. She is someone who likes to keep other people at a certain distance, so that they don't impose on her and stifle her. She wants to be understood, loved, respected, but not smothered. I have been smothering her in recent years, with unwanted affection as well as with my invasive questions about her feelings and our relationship. Had I understood her better, I would have known to keep back. On the other hand, I realized we were in a crisis and I had to have answers, and I tried to do my best to bring us together. Could I have played things cooler during this time, or would this have been next to impossible for me? Is this just more evidence that our intimacy needs just don't mesh well? I have no problem changing my behavior if it will lead towards a healthier relationship long-term for us. I just need to know what I can do now, if anything, to save our marriage.